“Walls”

Tonight I’m going to do something I’ve never done before.  I’m going to write a poem on my blog.  This poem is mostly free-thought; I have a habit of revising until what I’ve originally penned and what actually emerges are totally different things.  I don’t want to do that tonight.  Tonight I’m just going to be me: dark, depressing, and (mostly) unedited.

“Walls”

It somehow seems base that I
would put pen to paper on a topic so abused
as walls.
You’d think they would all be smashed by now,
little more than gravel on sun-starved earth
from the incessant didactic discourse
of every lame-ass poet before me.
But here they are towering in my mind, in my life, in
my soul.
Covered in thorned vines; dark, grey, lifeless,
the walls I put up of morter and clay,
bitter blood and failed fantasies.
And the walls of those close to me,
equally high and intimidating.
After a while I just stare and stare,
my fingernails cracked open, flesh red and raw from
stretching, scrabbling, clawing toward understanding.

In the end,
all I can see are two people, panting,
listening to the endless echoes of their screams
as they try to break free.  Hoping, dreaming
of the day when a torrid howl from the one
they care about will leak through the barrier…
even if but a hint of a whisper.

-Russ Legear, May 2008

Sunday at Starved Rock State Park

Yes my friends, spring is here.  Which means you should get off your butts, stop reading this blog, and go outside.

That’s exactly what I and my friend Aran did yesterday.  The park is just outside of Utica, Illinois, and about a two hour drive from where I live.  Believe me, Starved Rock was worth the four hours on the road.  I was a bit wary when we first got there since the parking lot was packed.  It almost felt like an amusement park, there were so many families and kids.  Especially at the park entrance.  Luckily, the herd thinned quite a bit as we trekked further east.

All together, Aran and I hiked about six miles along the river.  This isn’t sissy hiking, either; there are a lot of places where a stupid person can put to proof Darwin’s theories.

It felt really good to be there yesterday.  Parts of the park had an air of Tolkien about them.  A lot of magic and life.

I’m definitely going again this year.

-Russ

Of course I took pictures :)

View from Starved Rock

Bluff

A very Shire-like scene

The Diving Tree

Pool at the base of La Salle Canyon…

…and the waterfall feeding it.

It’s not the destination that matters…

PS:  Many heart-felt thanks to the radiant Mythezza for suggesting I go.  Good luck with your finals!

Thank Slashdot for Making My Day Better

This post was in regards to the newly discovered in the wild superheavey element Unbibium, which until now has only existed in the lab.

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. It does not decay, but undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes, not to mention multiple oxymorons.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. That hypothetical quantity might normally be called ‘critical mass’ but, in this unique case it is known as ‘critical mess’.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (Am), another just-discovered element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Hiking at Chain ‘O Lakes State Park

There is just something about walking a trail that I can’t put my finger on.  It gives you time to be in your thoughts; but rather than dwell on them, something about the steady movement in a single direction helps to… jumpstart things.  For someone with an intensely analytical mind like mine (i.e., I tend to dwell on things far more than I should), this is a great boon.

Yesterday was the most beautiful day yet this year.  There wasn’t a cloud in the sky (though I would have welcomed some cumulus nimbus clouds, certainly).  The day was warm, but not humid, and there was a relaxing breeze.  I walked about six miles total (or so my GPS claims).

I can’t say that I was really digging Chain ‘O Lakes.  It’s very pretty, but it had this… dead energy.  Almost like a void, a sadness.  It could be because none of the plant life has regrown yet; it was a brutal winter.  But soemthing about the air smelt of longing, lonliness.

Six Week Book List

As promised, here are the books I will be reading over the next six weeks:

• Miguel de Cervantes – Don Quixote (In progress…)
  
• Fyodor Dostoevsky – Crime and Punishment
• Toni Morrison – Beloved
• Kurt Vonnegut – Cat’s Cradle
• Franz Kafka – The Metamorphosis
• Upton Sinclair – The Jungle

I realize it may have been unrealistic to try to finish Don Quixote from start to finish in one week (what with work and other obligations), but I’m still going to try.  I’ll probably crank out The Metamorphosis in a night, so I guess some overlap is allowed.

I’m also going to, at some point, attempt to tackle Discipline and Punish by Michel Foucault, though I am unsure when I’ll be able to fit it in.

-Russ

Person Don Quixote

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To Be Outside on a Warm April Day

I’d forgotten what it was like to go for a walk on a warm, sunny day.  That’s exactly what I did this Sunday past.  My new friend Aran and I drove up to her stomping grounds in Lake Geneva for a walk along the lake and through Big Foot Beach State Park.  It was the first day of the year that actually felt like Spring.

It was slightly overcast, but very warm considering how frigid it has been the past three months.  It felt so good to go without a coat.  The park was a bit muddy, but that only added to my enthusiasm.  There was a definate air of nostalgia from Aran and I.  The day tasted of ripe memories; it was as though there was this deep calmness that allowed forgotten images to resurface.  Thoughts of childhood, family, old highschool girlfriends.  It felt like I was pulling a dusty book off the shelf for the first time in countless years.  A book where I had forgotten the story and was all the more glad for it.

That day gave me a lot of perspective on my life I’ve been longing for for a long, long while.  Ideas for change.  Refocusing of attention.  I learned that I have no regrets regarding the course my life has taken, and great hopes for where it may go.

Most of all, I learned that I am happy with who I have become.

Somewhat crappy pictures to come when I get home from work.  I really need to get used to my D50 again; it’s been so long since I went photo hunting…

-Russ

Edit: As promised, here are some (highly stylized) pictures :)

“Bush weighs skipping Olympics opening” – CNN.com

Read the article

The White House left the door open Tuesday to President Bush skipping the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics to protest China’s human rights record and its crackdown in Tibet.  White House spokeswoman Dana Perino, however, suggested that the president might attend some of the athletic events at the Olympic Games in August if he skipped the opening. - CNN.com

This is such a non-commital, mastibatory crock of shit position.  I’m disgusted that American athletes are participating this year; the fact that our own politicians seem to think they’re doing America a favor by “considering” boycotting the opening ceremonies is laughable at best, and is open support of human rights abuses at worst.  I guess we shouldn’t be surprised, though, considering many of the new testimonies coming out about our own country’s human rights abuses.

But we don’t want to piss off the country that holds more U.S. debt than any other in the world, now, do we?  After all, we need them more than they need us.  Isn’t co-dependence fun?  And I see we emulate China every chance we get:  we have an increasingly draconian government (NSA wiretaps, anyone?), a two-party political system that might as well be one-party rule given the spinelessness of Democrats, and our very own Chairman Mao (or King George, if you want to take a longer walk down history-lane).  All that’s left is a Tiananmin Square, and we’ll be well on our way to a shiny new iron-fisted police state.

Yes, I’m pissed off today.  I don’t anticipate being any friendlier in the next year or so, so get used to it.  It’s time everyone stopped pussyfooting around the facts and got active.  The President says that he wants to support U.S. atheletes; I say that if the atheletes themselves aren’t boycotting this year’s Olympics, then they’re not worth supporting.

-Russ

Edit: After a short debate with my Mom of all people, she has at least partially convinced me that it is acceptable for an athlete to go to the Beijing Olympics so that their voice against China’s actions in Tibet can be heard.  This is something I support, but with somewhat mixed feelings.

Free Tibet. Boycott the ‘08 Olympics.

I know my own country is in a sad state of affairs right now, so it seems at least somewhat distracting for me to make this post.  But this is an issue for which I hold a great deal of passion, and it would hearten me to see enough people find the will, voice and stamina to stand up against the Chinese government and its imperialistic ways.

My good friend Jory Ayer has set up a group on Facebook that can be joined here.  Boycotting the ‘08 Olympics is just one way to show China that what they are doing is patently wrong.

Also, I encourage anyone who feels as strongly as I do to read about Tibet on Wikipedia.

Remember that it’s not necessarily the loudest voice that is heard; it’s the choir that will not go silently in the night.

-Russ

My Grandma Emmer

My Grandma Ethel Emmer, born January 21, 1922, died on February 24, 2008.  She was 86 years old.  It took me a long while to come up with the courage and motivation to post this.

Grandma was everything to everyone.  My parents divorced when I was very young.  Since my mom was pretty much a housewife at that point in her life, she had to go back to school to put herself in a position to take care of me.  My Grandpa and Grandma Emmer took care of me in the interim.  In many ways, they raised me.

I was a troubled child, which is probably to be expected when your parents divorce at such a young age.  I threw temper tantrums; I always had to get my way.  Despite this, Grandma was always there.  Granted, it might have been her “being there” with a meter stick in her hand because us kids got into trouble (and we probably deserved it!).

I remember all of her quirks.  Like calling the couch a “davenport”.  How her house was filled with–and surrounded by–plants of all shapes and sizes.  We used to spend long hours pulling weeds in the garden, planting strawberries and carrots and cabbages and potatoes and tomatoes.  She loved to garden, and she was good at it.  I remember most the marigolds and snapdragons.  Us kids (kids = myself and my cousins David and Daniel) would munch on fresh chives from the garden.

When I was little we planted trees out in the back yard.  They were saplings, then.  What a surprise I had when I visited that little shack last year and saw how huge they had become.

She also loved to play video games, which is probably my fault.  I would come for summer break and bring my Nintendo (and, later, my SNES).  She never could beat Super Mario Brothers, but she sure did try.  I can’t really say Grandpa approved, either, which is probably another reason she liked to play.

We would stay up late at night watching M.A.S.H. reruns while playing King’s Corners, or Yahtzee, or Crazy Eights.  She used to give me little cough syrup caps of beer.  We would go for walks in the Waupun cemetary in the summer.  We caught bullheads in the Rock River.

All these memories, these nuggets of nostalgia–they glow like freshly blown glass in a dark room.  She was a nexus, a focal point, the keystone that held us all together.  She gave us everything she had, every day, and never asked for a shred in return.

I miss her.  We all do.

-Russ

Dealing with Depression and Anxiety

Let’s face it; we all get depressed at some point in our lives.  Stress from work, our education, interpersonal relationships–these things all add up and start to drag us down.  The things we used to enjoy are no longer interesting.  All we want to do is sleep.  Or we can’t sleep.

The Western way of dealing with these situations seems to be to dump pill after pill down our throats.  Specifically, Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs).  With the exception of some very rare cases, I think SSRIs are a crock of shit.  No, I’m not a doctor (and I sometimes wonder about the quality of education most psychiatrists have to experience before getting their license).  I’m just asking what we did before we had these magic little happy pills.

Was everyone just… depressed?  If you go by the massive profits being reaped by the major drug companies, you’d think so.  Of course, you’d also think that everyone had Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS), too.

Pills aren’t the answer (at least for the vast majority of people).

Supportive friends, meditation, psychotherapy–these are the answer.  Talking about how you feel with someone who cares about you is the answer.  Start writing a journal.  Go exercise.  Do something.  It may be harder to be motivated depending on the level of depression (I’m speaking from experience); however, it only takes one thought to break free and move towards happiness.  As cliche as it sounds, “I Can“, even once, can begin to pull you out of that rut.

Depressed about your job?  Get a new one.  Depressed about your relationship?  Get a new one.  Depressed because you think you’re fat?  Go exercise.  Yes, I sound harsh, and that’s because I am.  We live in such a wussified society that everyone expects to take the easy way out.  All the time.  You think your life is hard?  Compare it to an Iraqi’s life in Baghdad.  I’m sure the Iraqi would be glad to trade your depression for his life of dodging suicide bombers.

If you deal with the root cause behind your depression (which I feel is typically environmental, not physical), then you will no longer have to treat the symptoms.

Reflect.  Think about what is making you so damned sad.  And then do something about it.  It doesn’t have to be anything big, as long as you’re taking that first step.

-Russ