Of Revolution… And Hope.

We choose to be divided.

Borders, walls, the masks upon which we rely day after day.  We are so afraid of what lies beneath–what will happen when we cut down our walls and become vulnerable–that we have lost ourselves in distraction, division and indecisiveness.  Television keeps us placated, alcohol sooths our tortured souls, and when we dig through the lies, hate and deceit, one could only fathom that we would glimpse at the bottom of our own Pandora’s Box the fading shimmer of hope.  It is this hope upon which I rely; hope for the future, hope for today, and hope that rather than shunning our differences, we may grow stronger by them.

It is the great diversity of Humanity that lends us strength, that keeps us cohesive.  That inspires and enriches our lives and the lives of so many around us.  It is through difference that we learn, that we grow, that we survive.  The human mind cannot learn without a model upon which to draw comparison.  We cannot move beyond ourselves without the mirror provided by our peers.  It is ironic, then, that these very differences are what seemingly fuel our division.

Or do they?  I’m not so sure.  I think what has really happened is we have lost our spirit, and in doing so, turned traitor to the one thing that makes us and our society unique.  Look at the animal kingdom; you see personality, perhaps, but do you see individuality?  Diversity, yes, but none such as the Human species.  Our minds are capable of such grandeur, so subtle our art, so melodious our music.  We go through our lives with one goal:  to be unique.  To be the best person we can.  It’s not just simply about survival.  It’s about expressing the core of our soul.

No, I say our diversity cannot be the source of the pain of our Human experience.  Diversity does not cause war.  Difference does not murder, it does not oppress, it does not ask us to be what we are not.

Insecurity, indifference, ignorance; these are the things that fuel the fright so far within those who would support such unthinkable acts as war, genocide, and bigotry.  So I ask of you this:

The next time you watch the news and hear about the latest murder, or war, or rape, rather than committing judgment against those who have wronged, turn that judgment inward.  Ask yourself who you are.  Grasp onto the hope and realize that only you have control over making your life, and the lives of those around you, better.  I promise you… buried within your pain is hope.  But you must tear down your walls and feel this pain before you can set your heart free.  You must embrace your own difference before you can realize your purpose.

And in doing so, Humanity will be one soul closer to true freedom.

Trust

In keeping with my series on core concepts of human existence, this following piece is about trust.

Most people go through life without the foggiest idea of what real trust is about.

There are so many aspects, so my facets to trust, it’s as though you’re trying to read a book through a prism.  All you see are colors, patterns in the glass.  So, trust is a very tricky thing.

Trust is, to put it simply, voluntary vulnerability.  It’s the tearing down of walls.  To trust means to put ourselves at risk, be it from physical harm or otherwise.  We all go through our lives wearing masks to keep the outside world from encroaching on what makes us, well, us.  We hide from ridicule, from the pain caused by those who do not understand us (and, in many cases, themselves).  Our emotions become numb, restricted.

To be able to place trust in others, we must first trust ourselves.  How do we do that?  Well, first you need to spend some time thinking about what makes you who you are.  This is not easy.  It is terminally convenient to get caught up in what other people want you to be.  Here are some things to try:

• Think about what motivates you.  What do you want to do for the world?  What do you want from the world?
• Reflect on your friends, because they are a reflection of you.
• Spend time on what has, historically, given you joy.
• If you have difficulty trusting yourself, then trust in your own mistrust of yourself.  You have to start somewhere!
• Forgive those who may have slighted you.
• Meditate on your faults.  Pick one and give it your undivided focus.

This last point is key.  As you examine these faults, you will see that many of them are really nothing at all.  They may be invented by your mind as a way to hinder you, to hold you back from the gaze of those who would judge you adversely.  They may be something you were told repeatedly growing up.  What you must realize is that the more you tell yourself “I cannot”, the more it becomes reality.  Don’t run from your dreams!  Embrace them!  Spend time on the how of your life, rather than the why, and you will see that things fall into place.  You must trust yourself, you must trust your motivations.

Then you can begin to trust others.  By trusting yourself, hurtful words will fall away as though you’re wearing teflon armor.  You will shed yourself of people who do not accept you as you are.

You will be vulnerable in the best sort of way:  you will be open to the love and kindness of those who place their trust in you.  Because that’s what real trust is.

Having faith.

-Russ

On Honesty

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about this topic for the last few days. It’s difficult to talk about without sounding like a pretentious ass, but I’m going to try to be honest (gasp!) and convey my thoughts.

Far too few people are truly honest.  Why is that?  Or, a better question: why should they be?

The cost to benefit ratio of being a lying sack of untruth, on the surface, is very appealing.  If you can keep up the charade for long enough, you suffer no adverse affect.   At least, this is assuming someone who is completely amoral.  I’m not talking about those people today, because, realistically, the vast majority of people want to do the right thing.

When we look at the real cost, it is completely personal.  The cost is guilt, anxiety, and depression.  I think we’ve all faced those emotions after lying to someone we care about.  In many cases they force us to come clean and tell the truth.  In other cases the truth is never told, and these emotions eat away at us… they devour us and lead us down a road that is difficult to tread.

Be it a lie of omission or outright deception, such deviation from the truth begs the question: why would one do such a thing?  To save face?  To keep from hurting someone else’s feelings?   For a physical gain of some kind?

I firmly believe that the truth is intrinsic in all things, and the more we try to cover it up, the more it will blow up in our faces.   Why would someone want to wade through feelings of guilt and remorse and then have the truth come out anyway?  Why not just tell the truth in the first place?   Sometimes we are trying to keep from hurting someone’s feelings, so we carry the burden of guilt to save them pain.

But this is the wrong sort of thinking.  This is being disingenuous to ourselves and shows little respect for the right the other person has to the truth.  After all, if they find out later on that you lied to them, aren’t they going to be more hurt than they would have been if you’d told them the truth from the beginning?  Not only do they feel the pain that was being hidden from them, but they also have the added pain of knowing you didn’t respect and trust them enough to be honest.  It’s as though you’re making the decision for them.

Honesty is a matter of freedom.  When we lie to others, regardless of the reason, we’re taking away their right to choose how they want to react.  We’re assuming that we know better how to handle the situation, the truth, than they do.  And this thinking is wrong.

Everyone must make their own decisions.  Everyone must carry their own burden of truth.  While I try to be as honest as possible in my day to day life, sometimes it is difficult.  Sometimes the emotion is too great, the pain too hot.  Sometimes the words come out before my mind has had a chance to properly assess the situation.  On some level, maybe deception is an ingrained survival instinct.

Even taking these things into account, I find that simply making an effort to be open and honest has greatly improved my life.  Sure, there are times when I get burned by being honest, by sharing my feelings.  But at least I can say that I told the truth, that I was honest, that I wasn’t trying to hide anything.  Some would call this the moral high-ground.

I call it the only logical course of action.

-Russ

“Walls”

Tonight I’m going to do something I’ve never done before.  I’m going to write a poem on my blog.  This poem is mostly free-thought; I have a habit of revising until what I’ve originally penned and what actually emerges are totally different things.  I don’t want to do that tonight.  Tonight I’m just going to be me: dark, depressing, and (mostly) unedited.

“Walls”

It somehow seems base that I
would put pen to paper on a topic so abused
as walls.
You’d think they would all be smashed by now,
little more than gravel on sun-starved earth
from the incessant didactic discourse
of every lame-ass poet before me.
But here they are towering in my mind, in my life, in
my soul.
Covered in thorned vines; dark, grey, lifeless,
the walls I put up of morter and clay,
bitter blood and failed fantasies.
And the walls of those close to me,
equally high and intimidating.
After a while I just stare and stare,
my fingernails cracked open, flesh red and raw from
stretching, scrabbling, clawing toward understanding.

In the end,
all I can see are two people, panting,
listening to the endless echoes of their screams
as they try to break free.  Hoping, dreaming
of the day when a torrid howl from the one
they care about will leak through the barrier…
even if but a hint of a whisper.

-Russ Legear, May 2008

Hiking at Chain ‘O Lakes State Park

There is just something about walking a trail that I can’t put my finger on.  It gives you time to be in your thoughts; but rather than dwell on them, something about the steady movement in a single direction helps to… jumpstart things.  For someone with an intensely analytical mind like mine (i.e., I tend to dwell on things far more than I should), this is a great boon.

Yesterday was the most beautiful day yet this year.  There wasn’t a cloud in the sky (though I would have welcomed some cumulus nimbus clouds, certainly).  The day was warm, but not humid, and there was a relaxing breeze.  I walked about six miles total (or so my GPS claims).

I can’t say that I was really digging Chain ‘O Lakes.  It’s very pretty, but it had this… dead energy.  Almost like a void, a sadness.  It could be because none of the plant life has regrown yet; it was a brutal winter.  But soemthing about the air smelt of longing, lonliness.

To Be Outside on a Warm April Day

I’d forgotten what it was like to go for a walk on a warm, sunny day.  That’s exactly what I did this Sunday past.  My new friend Aran and I drove up to her stomping grounds in Lake Geneva for a walk along the lake and through Big Foot Beach State Park.  It was the first day of the year that actually felt like Spring.

It was slightly overcast, but very warm considering how frigid it has been the past three months.  It felt so good to go without a coat.  The park was a bit muddy, but that only added to my enthusiasm.  There was a definate air of nostalgia from Aran and I.  The day tasted of ripe memories; it was as though there was this deep calmness that allowed forgotten images to resurface.  Thoughts of childhood, family, old highschool girlfriends.  It felt like I was pulling a dusty book off the shelf for the first time in countless years.  A book where I had forgotten the story and was all the more glad for it.

That day gave me a lot of perspective on my life I’ve been longing for for a long, long while.  Ideas for change.  Refocusing of attention.  I learned that I have no regrets regarding the course my life has taken, and great hopes for where it may go.

Most of all, I learned that I am happy with who I have become.

Somewhat crappy pictures to come when I get home from work.  I really need to get used to my D50 again; it’s been so long since I went photo hunting…

-Russ

Edit: As promised, here are some (highly stylized) pictures :)

My Grandma Emmer

My Grandma Ethel Emmer, born January 21, 1922, died on February 24, 2008.  She was 86 years old.  It took me a long while to come up with the courage and motivation to post this.

Grandma was everything to everyone.  My parents divorced when I was very young.  Since my mom was pretty much a housewife at that point in her life, she had to go back to school to put herself in a position to take care of me.  My Grandpa and Grandma Emmer took care of me in the interim.  In many ways, they raised me.

I was a troubled child, which is probably to be expected when your parents divorce at such a young age.  I threw temper tantrums; I always had to get my way.  Despite this, Grandma was always there.  Granted, it might have been her “being there” with a meter stick in her hand because us kids got into trouble (and we probably deserved it!).

I remember all of her quirks.  Like calling the couch a “davenport”.  How her house was filled with–and surrounded by–plants of all shapes and sizes.  We used to spend long hours pulling weeds in the garden, planting strawberries and carrots and cabbages and potatoes and tomatoes.  She loved to garden, and she was good at it.  I remember most the marigolds and snapdragons.  Us kids (kids = myself and my cousins David and Daniel) would munch on fresh chives from the garden.

When I was little we planted trees out in the back yard.  They were saplings, then.  What a surprise I had when I visited that little shack last year and saw how huge they had become.

She also loved to play video games, which is probably my fault.  I would come for summer break and bring my Nintendo (and, later, my SNES).  She never could beat Super Mario Brothers, but she sure did try.  I can’t really say Grandpa approved, either, which is probably another reason she liked to play.

We would stay up late at night watching M.A.S.H. reruns while playing King’s Corners, or Yahtzee, or Crazy Eights.  She used to give me little cough syrup caps of beer.  We would go for walks in the Waupun cemetary in the summer.  We caught bullheads in the Rock River.

All these memories, these nuggets of nostalgia–they glow like freshly blown glass in a dark room.  She was a nexus, a focal point, the keystone that held us all together.  She gave us everything she had, every day, and never asked for a shred in return.

I miss her.  We all do.

-Russ

Dealing with Depression and Anxiety

Let’s face it; we all get depressed at some point in our lives.  Stress from work, our education, interpersonal relationships–these things all add up and start to drag us down.  The things we used to enjoy are no longer interesting.  All we want to do is sleep.  Or we can’t sleep.

The Western way of dealing with these situations seems to be to dump pill after pill down our throats.  Specifically, Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs).  With the exception of some very rare cases, I think SSRIs are a crock of shit.  No, I’m not a doctor (and I sometimes wonder about the quality of education most psychiatrists have to experience before getting their license).  I’m just asking what we did before we had these magic little happy pills.

Was everyone just… depressed?  If you go by the massive profits being reaped by the major drug companies, you’d think so.  Of course, you’d also think that everyone had Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS), too.

Pills aren’t the answer (at least for the vast majority of people).

Supportive friends, meditation, psychotherapy–these are the answer.  Talking about how you feel with someone who cares about you is the answer.  Start writing a journal.  Go exercise.  Do something.  It may be harder to be motivated depending on the level of depression (I’m speaking from experience); however, it only takes one thought to break free and move towards happiness.  As cliche as it sounds, “I Can“, even once, can begin to pull you out of that rut.

Depressed about your job?  Get a new one.  Depressed about your relationship?  Get a new one.  Depressed because you think you’re fat?  Go exercise.  Yes, I sound harsh, and that’s because I am.  We live in such a wussified society that everyone expects to take the easy way out.  All the time.  You think your life is hard?  Compare it to an Iraqi’s life in Baghdad.  I’m sure the Iraqi would be glad to trade your depression for his life of dodging suicide bombers.

If you deal with the root cause behind your depression (which I feel is typically environmental, not physical), then you will no longer have to treat the symptoms.

Reflect.  Think about what is making you so damned sad.  And then do something about it.  It doesn’t have to be anything big, as long as you’re taking that first step.

-Russ

Life Extension

I overheard a coworker yesterday mention something about a TV program detailing upcoming life extension technologies (which I missed since I don’t watch TV).  As a Singulitarian and Post-humanist myself, I find this topic more than fascinating.

What would you do if you could live forever?  Or, at the very least, live for a thousand years.  Hell, even two hundred?

Let me add to that:  what if you could be young for all those years.  It isn’t hard to realize that the entire structure of human society would undergo what I feel would be the largest paradigm shift in human history.

Sounds like science fiction, yes?  I wouldn’t be so sure.  With stem cell technology (if the close-minded fundamentalists in our government can get over themselves) we have the power to regrow our own organs, tissues, etc.  I’m not talking a transplant from someone else; I’m talking about organs that are 100% compatible with each person’s unique physiology.

There are experimental nanotechnologies that can target cancerous cells while ignoring everything else, effectively negating the need for radiation based therapies (and, more importantly, the side effects of such therapies).  Not only that, but by keeping our bodies young by replacing aging parts, we remove another vector for cancerous cells to form.

Granted, the key word here is experimental.  Many of these technologies will not be realized for many years.  But they will be within my lifetime.

How much would you pay to live an extra hundred years?  A thousand?  Indefinitely?  Will we have to introduce a population control laws (almost certainly, I think)?  Maybe not; who’s to say that these new technologies can’t be applied to birth control?

With such a limited (relatively speaking in the grand scheme of the universe) lifespan, I feel as though I’m rushed to do all the things I’d like to do before I die.  Most of them I’d like to do while still young.  I don’t want to get Alzheimers, I don’t want to get cancer.  I don’t want to die of “old age”.  I do want to live forever; or at least, for a very long time.

The older I get the shorter the years seem to last.  We have the means to control our destiny; why not use them?

-Russ

PS:  Here is a book all about the Singularity, life extension, and tons of really super neat technology.  Highly recommended (and it will be reviewed here soon).

The Psychology of Intimate Relationships

Whoa, slow down there chief!  What the hell are you talking about?

That’s a good question.  I’m a big fan of “why” questions, and today I want to ask a few.

Why do we feel the need, as human beings, to form relationships with other human beings?  That’s a very broad question, so let me limit it; why do we humans feel the need to form intimate romantic relationships?

Let’s look at the cause, first.  I think we can all agree that loneliness is a key factor.  Then the question becomes:  Why do we humans get lonely?

I could go over the plethora of papers about human genetics, hormones, etc etc etc.  I don’t care about that.  I think that we as a species are at such a level of meta-humanity that we can begin to transcend something as simple as chemicals rushing through our bodies.  Translation:  You have a brain, so use it.

No, what I’d like to address is the thought processes behind this need to share your life with someone else.  What makes you think that forming an intimate relationship will make your life better?  Better yet, what makes you think that you need an intimate relationship to live a better life?

Part of it, I think, is how we are inundated with emblems of social duality throughout our adolescent and adult lives.  It is a rare TV show that doesn’t have some sort of romantic relationship.  Romance is everywhere.  And if that is the case, are we merely trying to emulate what is socially expected?

I think that is part of it, yes, though more of an effect than the cause.  I personally believe it has more to do with having someone act as a mirror for you.  Despite spiraling populations, we are all so isolated.  We all live in our own heads with our own thoughts.  When we find someone with whom we share something in common, that validates our own thoughts and desires.  This commonality brings couples together and proves to them that they’re not all raging lunatics living a massive delusion.

And sometimes it doesn’t.  Sometimes the reflection isn’t what we want to see, even if it is the truth.  Sometimes the commonalities and differences only highlight flaws in our character.  In which case we can either believe what we see, or not.  There is always an opportunity to learn.

Knowing who you are and where you are in life requires a lot of faith in yourself and your own deductive faculties.  I think intimate relationships tend to lessen the amount of personal faith required to get from point A (the abyss) and point B (enlightenment).  The catch 22 is that, in many cases, the only way you can truly get the most out of a relationship is to have equal faith (and trust, for that matter) in someone else to be by your side through thick or thin.  In addition to equal–if not greater–faith and trust in yourself.

Granted, I’m probably full of crap.  But this is a subject that’s been on my mind a lot lately, and I feel it is a topic that applies to just about anyone.  Of course, whether or not anyone derives wisdom from this block of discourse is entirely circumstantial.

:-)

-Russ