Of Revolution… And Hope.

We choose to be divided.

Borders, walls, the masks upon which we rely day after day.  We are so afraid of what lies beneath–what will happen when we cut down our walls and become vulnerable–that we have lost ourselves in distraction, division and indecisiveness.  Television keeps us placated, alcohol sooths our tortured souls, and when we dig through the lies, hate and deceit, one could only fathom that we would glimpse at the bottom of our own Pandora’s Box the fading shimmer of hope.  It is this hope upon which I rely; hope for the future, hope for today, and hope that rather than shunning our differences, we may grow stronger by them.

It is the great diversity of Humanity that lends us strength, that keeps us cohesive.  That inspires and enriches our lives and the lives of so many around us.  It is through difference that we learn, that we grow, that we survive.  The human mind cannot learn without a model upon which to draw comparison.  We cannot move beyond ourselves without the mirror provided by our peers.  It is ironic, then, that these very differences are what seemingly fuel our division.

Or do they?  I’m not so sure.  I think what has really happened is we have lost our spirit, and in doing so, turned traitor to the one thing that makes us and our society unique.  Look at the animal kingdom; you see personality, perhaps, but do you see individuality?  Diversity, yes, but none such as the Human species.  Our minds are capable of such grandeur, so subtle our art, so melodious our music.  We go through our lives with one goal:  to be unique.  To be the best person we can.  It’s not just simply about survival.  It’s about expressing the core of our soul.

No, I say our diversity cannot be the source of the pain of our Human experience.  Diversity does not cause war.  Difference does not murder, it does not oppress, it does not ask us to be what we are not.

Insecurity, indifference, ignorance; these are the things that fuel the fright so far within those who would support such unthinkable acts as war, genocide, and bigotry.  So I ask of you this:

The next time you watch the news and hear about the latest murder, or war, or rape, rather than committing judgment against those who have wronged, turn that judgment inward.  Ask yourself who you are.  Grasp onto the hope and realize that only you have control over making your life, and the lives of those around you, better.  I promise you… buried within your pain is hope.  But you must tear down your walls and feel this pain before you can set your heart free.  You must embrace your own difference before you can realize your purpose.

And in doing so, Humanity will be one soul closer to true freedom.

Moraine Hills State Park

Took some late afternoon photos at Moraine Hills.  I wish I had Smell-O-Vision on my camera, because the whole park smelled fabulous!  I’ll miss Spring when it’s gone…  feel free to click the images for a bigger version.

Bleak Boardwalk

Clouds in the Water

Blue Marsh

Follow the Yellow Lined Road

Moody Sunset

Russ Legear – May 18, 2009

So I guess I’m an INFJ personality.

I’ve known my type for a while now, but the whole idea of personality fascinates me, so I thought it might be a good topic for discussion.

INFJ stands for Introverted INtuitive Feeling Judging, the terms used in Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI).  More on MBTI here and INFJ here.

Rather than post the whole bit about what each letter means (and boring you all to death), I think it will be more fun to relate how well what I “test as” compares to who I feel I am.  Also, there are a lot more traits I could pass on, but your curiosity will be best served by checking out the links above.

INFJ personalities are considered the rarest of all the sixteen MBTI types (approximately 1% of the population, even less for men).  We are known for having an almost psychic ability to read the emotions of people.  We are also a sensitive lot, and spend a lot of time on “self-perfection”, especially when scorned by someone whose opinion we value.  Just because that I is there doesn’t mean we live in a cave in the middle of the desert; on the contrary, INFJ personalities tend to cultivate a small group of special, loyal friends rather than a large of group of intermittent acquaintances.  Romantically, we tend to gravitate toward ENFP and ENTP personalities (with the idea that opposites with similar modes of thinking attract).

In day to day life we are most fulfilled when helping others, though we will quickly detach ourselves from those who take advantage.  We are serious about our committments, and will go to great lengths to maintain our integrity.  We are also very interested in making everyone feel happy and loved (again, the exception being when someone hurts us deeply).

Our weaknesses stem from our strengths, unfortunately; our inward looking gaze will sometimes make us come off as “distant” or “reserved” (I prefer “mysterious” myself).  We rarely give all of what’s inside unless we have absolute trust in the person to whom we give.  We can be quick to dismiss people we do not find “worthy” of our attention, though this typically stems from our intuitive grasp of human emotions.  Sometimes the drudgery of day-to-day life is “below” us, and we can quickly find that all those little errands have piled up while we were thinking of the “big picture”.  We also do not deal with conflict and criticism, and have a tendancy to dwell on problems.  This is partly due to our extremely high expectations of ourselves; we feel that we could have done better, even if the issue isn’t our fault.  INFJs also have a deep faith, though it may not center around any one organized religion.

Personally, I feel as though I identify with all of these traits.  I’m fiercely loyal to my friends, especially those who accept me as I am without trying to change me.  I’ve been committed to those around me–both in friendship and romance–and can’t even fathom betrayal (partly because I’ve been betrayed so much in my life).  I’m a big fan of working things out to everyone’s contentment rather than engaging in a pointless fight that is only going to end up with all parties bleeding.  I’m most attracted to fun, extroverted personalities, but especially to those who have a lot of depth and love to offer (the NF characteristic, or basically “Idealists” in general terms).  I pick up on emotions almost instantaneously, and find that I am the confidant to many of my friends during hard times (which is ironic, as one slang term for an INFJ is “The Counselor”).  My faith runs pretty deep, too, though I have to admit that I cannot identify with mainstream religion.  I do tend to worry about problems more than I should, but I have to say that the older I get, the easier this is to get through.

So I’d say the INFJ assesment is fairly accurate.  Should you want to take this test and find out what you are, you can click this link and take a test online.  While no one personality can be lumped into just sixteen types, you may be surprised how much you say “Yeah, that’s me!”

Ink

This is an oldie but goodie… I wrote this back in my Nature Writing course with Ron Rindo.  I can’t say it is my best work ever, but it has a very cozy place in my heart.  Yes, it’s romantic; yes, it’s sappy.  I don’t really give a damn :)

Click the link below for the PDF… unfortunately, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to embed a darn PDF or get this thing to paste into a post without totally losing the formatting… *sigh*

Ballad of the Broken String

Figured I’d post a rough take of a song idea I had.  Not sure where I’ll take it, but I like the energy of this chord progression…  whatever that means. :)

Click this thingy to make it play:

Edit:  I’ve added a (rough) lead part to this.  I spent way, way, way too much time getting it right, and I still think there are things that need to be redone… I guess that’s the curse off being a bloody perfectionist.

Random Hiking Photos from 2008

Edge of the oncoming storm – Castle Rock State Park – 6/22/2008

LaSalle Canyon Waterfall – Starved Rock State Park – 9/14/2008

Trust

In keeping with my series on core concepts of human existence, this following piece is about trust.

Most people go through life without the foggiest idea of what real trust is about.

There are so many aspects, so my facets to trust, it’s as though you’re trying to read a book through a prism.  All you see are colors, patterns in the glass.  So, trust is a very tricky thing.

Trust is, to put it simply, voluntary vulnerability.  It’s the tearing down of walls.  To trust means to put ourselves at risk, be it from physical harm or otherwise.  We all go through our lives wearing masks to keep the outside world from encroaching on what makes us, well, us.  We hide from ridicule, from the pain caused by those who do not understand us (and, in many cases, themselves).  Our emotions become numb, restricted.

To be able to place trust in others, we must first trust ourselves.  How do we do that?  Well, first you need to spend some time thinking about what makes you who you are.  This is not easy.  It is terminally convenient to get caught up in what other people want you to be.  Here are some things to try:

• Think about what motivates you.  What do you want to do for the world?  What do want from the world?
• Reflect on your friends, because they are a reflection of you.
• Spend time on what has, historically, given you joy.
• If you have difficulty trusting yourself, then trust in your own mistrust of yourself.  You have to start somewhere!
• Forgive those who may have slighted you.
• Meditate on your faults.  Pick one and give it your undivided focus.

This last point is key.  As you examine these faults, you will see that many of them are really nothing at all.  They may be invented by your mind as a way to hinder you, to hold you back from the gaze of those who would judge you adversely.  They may be something you were told repeatedly growing up.  What you must realize is that the more you tell yourself “I cannot”, the more it becomes reality.  Don’t run from your dreams!  Embrace them!  Spend time on the how of your life, rather than the why, and you will see that things fall into place.  You must trust yourself, you must trust your motivations.

Then you can begin to trust others.  By trusting yourself, hurtful words will fall away as though you’re wearing teflon armor.  You will shed yourself of people who do not accept you as you are.

You will be vulnerable in the best sort of way:  you will be open to the love and kindness of those who place their trust in you.  Because that’s what real trust is.

Having faith.

-Russ

On Honesty

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about this topic for the last few days. It’s difficult to talk about without sounding like a pretentious ass, but I’m going to try to be honest (gasp!) and convey my thoughts.

Far too few people are truly honest.  Why is that?  Or, a better question: why should they be?

The cost to benefit ratio of being a lying sack of untruth, on the surface, is very appealing.  If you can keep up the charade for long enough, you suffer no adverse affect.   At least, this is assuming someone who is completely amoral.  I’m not talking about those people today, because, realistically, the vast majority of people want to do the right thing.

When we look at the real cost, it is completely personal.  The cost is guilt, anxiety, and depression.  I think we’ve all faced those emotions after lying to someone we care about.  In many cases they force us to come clean and tell the truth.  In other cases the truth is never told, and these emotions eat away at us… they devour us and lead us down a road that is difficult to tread.

Be it a lie of omission or outright deception, such deviation from the truth begs the question: why would one do such a thing?  To save face?  To keep from hurting someone else’s feelings?   For a physical gain of some kind?

I firmly believe that the truth is intrinsic in all things, and the more we try to cover it up, the more it will blow up in our faces.   Why would someone want to wade through feelings of guilt and remorse and then have the truth come out anyway?  Why not just tell the truth in the first place?   Sometimes we are trying to keep from hurting someone’s feelings, so we carry the burden of guilt to save them pain.

But this is the wrong sort of thinking.  This is being disingenuous to ourselves and shows little respect for the right the other person has to the truth.  After all, if they find out later on that you lied to them, aren’t they going to be more hurt than they would have been if you’d told them the truth from the beginning?  Not only do they feel the pain that was being hidden from them, but they also have the added pain of knowing you didn’t respect and trust them enough to be honest.  It’s as though you’re making the decision for them.

Honesty is a matter of freedom.  When we lie to others, regardless of the reason, we’re taking away their right to choose how they want to react.  We’re assuming that we know better how to handle the situation, the truth, than they do.  And this thinking is wrong.

Everyone must make their own decisions.  Everyone must carry their own burden of truth.  While I try to be as honest as possible in my day to day life, sometimes it is difficult.  Sometimes the emotion is too great, the pain too hot.  Sometimes the words come out before my mind has had a chance to properly assess the situation.  On some level, maybe deception is an ingrained survival instinct.

Even taking these things into account, I find that simply making an effort to be open and honest has greatly improved my life.  Sure, there are times when I get burned by being honest, by sharing my feelings.  But at least I can say that I told the truth, that I was honest, that I wasn’t trying to hide anything.  Some would call this the moral high-ground.

I call it the only logical course of action.

-Russ

Treading Mud

This poem is a dream I never had.  Somehow my subconscious seems to have found a way to usurp my general reasoning.  Enjoy. I may edit the crap out of it later.

“Treading Mud”

He stands there like a crow.

At the rusted gate, rapier against thigh,
he utters the entering song.
Lilting lyric, so little breath,
bouncing, the spring of soft notes
as they ride high the sky.

The doors part, a red dust waterfall
sending crimson steam into the air.
And he sets forth, a statue in motion,
inviting into his lungs the iron pang of
…history.

Within the fortress the courtyard is empty
but for a six year old girl in a green frock.
With ocean blue eyes fixed she asks,

“Do you know who you are?”

The dirt turns to swamp,
swallows him up, he treads mud,
the echo of the girl’s voice
ringing with every earth-choked breath.
He reaches his gauntlet hand out,
grasping–flailing–
star etched sky giving way
to a more original kind of night.

When all falls silent and cold,
three short words resonate in his mind
as the world pulls him below.

He tugs at them, makes them a rope,
his hands chaffing, now bare, hot blood
flowing, anointing his passage,
wearing the words like dragon wings,
he flies, he flies, he soars out of the muck.

Russ Legear – July 2008

Poem – “In the Infinite Moment”

Poem.  Mostly free thought.  This is mainly for myself, but…  well, enjoy :)

“In the Infinite Moment”

Curtain the future.
Eclipse your plans with nonsense.

Roll in the mud of life.
Make sticky love.

Run naked through the cold April rain.
I promise we’ll all notice.

Be like the bee.
Bumble through lazy days.

Sing at the top of your lungs.
Sing until your throat burns.

Be a narcissist.
If only before your mirror.

Dance like the firefly.
Shine brief, shine bright.

For today,
in this infinite moment,
you are all that you are
and everything everyone else
never will be.

Russ Legear – May 2008